17 May 2011

Then What, Part 1

I’d be lying if I said the waiting to find out if the embryos took was easy. Wendy talks a bit in her post today about the human and medical elements of this process. Up til this part, other than daily communication with Wendy, the process had been pretty medical for me. That’s what made it easy. I didn’t think. I gave myself shots and got lots of rest.

Between the retrieval and the implantation, I would say I felt, in one word, lonely. And powerless. (That’s two words.) Because it was time for Wendy’s big part of the process (she was doing preparation things all along), we were disconnected for a bit. We went from daily e-mails, sometimes 3, 4, 18 times a day, to 1 or 2, or none.

But, after the implanting occurred, we were back to regular communication. I guess I bring this up because it was a hard week for me. One of the hardest of the entire process. Because we agreed early on that we weren’t going to be crazy vocal about this, I mostly had only talked with Wendy about what I was thinking and feeling. Not having her for those few days was hard. Couple that with the loss of control I felt and I was in a funk. I know I didn’t really ever have any control, but when it came to taking my vitamins and giving myself shots, etc., I felt like I had some control. It felt like I was doing something important. Then, bam. I wasn’t doing anything.

So, the waiting. Tom Petty is right. It’s hard. I don’t remember talking much about things with Wendy during those few weeks. This was the part of the process where I became a mess and I didn’t want to add to Wendy and Mike’s stress. Throughout this whole process, once I made the decision to donate my eggs, Wendy was always the calm, level-headed one. She just always knew this was going to work. If she didn’t, I never knew. Some of the feelings she shared in her blog today I don’t know if I knew back then.

In hindsight, it seems like those were a few tough weeks for both of us. But then I found out that Wendy and Mike were pregnant! Joy of joys! Finding out, like I said on Wendy’s blog today, was like an out-of-body experience. It was one of the strangest things I’d ever experienced. I laughed; I cried; I cried; I laughed. I laughed and cried at the same time. I was ecstatic! It worked!

I had never let myself believe it would, but it did. I wasn’t negative during the process, I just didn’t think any further than the day I was on. It was easier for me to stay focused and not get sucked up in what ifs. It was healthier. I wish I could have been a bit more positive, but I was too afraid I’d jinx something.

Once the news came that Wendy was pregnant, all that jinxing business - for better or worse - was out the window. It was then that I knew everything was going to be fine. The babies – two of them! - were going to be fine. Wendy was going to be fine. Everyone and everything was going to be fine. Better than fine, really. It was going to be pretty awesome.


Wendy said...

It's interesting to me to reflect back on all of our feelings during that time - for me, it was personal before the transfer, then became medical; for you it was medical up until the transfer. That balance worked though because if it was all medical that would have been too unpersonal but if it was all personal then it might have all been too hard to do.

Ky • twopretzels.com said...

I so appreciate you sharing all of this and I think what you did... oh goodness, I don't even have a word for it.